While attending the funeral of a family member, Karl Wirth of Wirth Florist spoke to his local funeral director about the role of flowers in the service. The director had "no awareness of the sensitivity [of the use of the 'in lieu of' phrase],” Wirth said, but after seeing her preside over the funeral, he knew she shared his commitment to giving the family as much comfort as possible.

He used the common ground and shared professionalism in a follow-up letter to reinforce the importance and diminish the use of the ‘in lieu of flowers’ phrase.” Wirth, whose shop is in Merchantville, N. J., followed SAF’s letter as a guide and used his own words to capture the spirit of their personal conversation.

“This goes to show that, while some funeral directors encourage the phrase so they don't have to deal with the hassles of transporting or cleaning up after the flowers, some may not even think about the ramifications of those four words,” said Jenni Sparks, vice president of marketing at SAF. “Do you know how your funeral director feel about the phrase? Maybe it's time to find out.”

Try this:

• Send a flower arrangement to your local funeral director with a letter or note tucked inside asking for a chance to sit down and talk about how you can work together. The flowers are sure to elicit a response, but follow up with a phone call if needed.